It has been a while since my last post. I apologize…deeply. I have been going through some deeply personal things, and at times have felt like my world was crashing down around me. Things are still very much in the air for me, but I now realize that as long as I have faith in God, and allow Jesus to take my hand, and walk with me down this dark and scary road, everything will be just fine.
Today’s subject: Divorce. That’s an ugly word, isn’t it? All around, it’s a completely ugly word. My husband and I, after fifteen years together, are divorcing. It’s not something that I want, but I can’t prevent it. All I can do is hold my head up high, know that I have done everything I could to make things right, and accept the fact that sometimes God doesn’t have quite the same plans that I do. God hates divorce. To tell you the truth, so do I. Going forward, I will renew my faith in my God, and be the best possible person that I can be. My children need a mother that is strong, and can stand on her own two feet, and be the best possible mother to those babies that any kid could ask for.
I would give anything for this to not happen. I have spent days, nights, hours, evenings…all of it…in constant prayer. I begged God, telling him that I would literally do anything that He asked of me, so that I could have my marriage and my family intact. What I didn’t bargain for was how my husband would feel. I also didn’t add the fact that the world is basically built for marriages to fail. It’s all in how you deal with the problems, and how you communicate with each other that makes a marriage work. Sometimes, mistakes are made that a marriage just can’t move beyond.
There is one Bible verse that makes things a little clearer for me during this time- it’s Proverbs 3:3-5. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” While a divorce might not have been in MY plans, it appears that they were in HIS plans. God has different things planned for me, and I just need to lean in close, cup my hand to my ear, and listen closely to what He desires of me in the coming months and years. I am most definitely not a perfect person, and if I could take all my missteps back along the way, I most assuredly would.
Right now, I feel broken, bruised, and badly hurting. But every single day, I put all of that on the Lord. I tell him every single thing. I have raged at Him, I have cried, and lately, I have just curled up on His lap, clinging as closely to Him as I can possibly get. I know that things will get better. It all just takes time. In the meantime, I will get a daytime job to support myself, a place to live, and will build a life that does NOT include my husband. We will always be friends and parents together. I don’t hate him, and he doesn’t hate me. He just doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. That hurts, but after a while, that will be just a scar on a life that has taken a different path than I planned. A piece of me will always love that man, and that I cannot take back. I just hope that I can get my children through this process, and make them understand that wasn’t their fault. Divorce happens in a fallen world.
Another verse that puts things in perspective during this time is Proverbs 30:21-23. “Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up. A servant who becomes a king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress.” That one statement really stands out- “…an unloved woman who is married.” God wants women to be loved, and if that isn’t happening in a marriage, there is a problem. No matter how much women have tried over the years, we cannot make a man love us if he doesn’t want it. When that time comes, it’s just a matter of letting go with grace and aplomb.