Once upon a time, there was a couple who were so much in love, there seemed that nothing could part them. This couple had been through a lot of bad things in their lives, but together, there was nothing they couldn’t accomplish. The years quickly passed, and suddenly, one part of the couple felt that they no longer loved the other person. Both were Christians, both had made grievous mistakes along the way, and both had forgiven the other. However, there wasn’t enough there to hold them together anymore. That’s my story. I remember looking at him, and he would take my breath away. So kind, so incredibly intelligent, so funny…he was everything that I could ever want in a man. Now, he has taken my breath away in a new and different manner- he has told me that he doesn’t love me anymore, and wants a divorce. This was kind of a surprise, but kind of not. We knew several years ago that we were in trouble, and I THOUGHT we were working through our issues. Trust seemed to be returning, right? Sometimes, things fall apart, and sometimes there isn’t enough glue in all the world to patch things up.
I try to keep myself busy, and I am still praying every single day, all day. I ask God continually to heal this marriage, and to see us through this dark period. We have fifteen years together, and two beautiful, wonderful children. Depending on that particular moment in the day, I am basically seconds away from tears. The man that I thought was closer to me than anyone else on this planet is now distant, and marking his time with me. That takes my breath away these days. The thought that I will no longer be this man’s wife tears a piece of my heart out every time I happen to ponder that unfathomable thought. When did I become such a failure? I was married before this man. I was young- too young. Then my husband happened upon the scene. It was a whirlwind romance, and one that I don’t regret for a second. Two failed marriages and and a decade and a half later, I find myself in much the same situation. I am once again rebuilding my life, and rediscovering who I am. He has changed me- both inside and out, some good and some bad. But really, after being a couple for so long, who am I? Truthfully, I really don’t know. That’s what I need to figure out.
I have picked up my Bible quite a bit these days. I use it like a lifeline, when I feel that I can’t possibly handle my feelings at that point in time. I offer up a prayer to God, and I thank Him. Thank him?! Yes, I thank Him. I am honored that He feels I am so incredibly strong, that I can go through this once again. I ask Him to show me what He needs from me at this point- I need to find a place of my own, and a job. I have been applying for jobs like crazy, but so far, it has been a fruitless search. What do you have planned for me, God? I have faith in You. I know that You only want the best for me, and I know that Your plan trumps anything that I could plan for myself. I mourn this marriage like I have lost a close family member. It is, for all intents and purposes, a death. At one point in time, I feel optimistic- like I am about to conquer the world, and the next moment, I feel like I can’t even lift my head because of the unending sadness. Matthew 5:4 tells me “Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Yes, I am in mourning. I am mourning the love of a lifetime, lost to the pages of history. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Father, I am incredibly weak right now. I know that you are there for me, holding me close, and growing my faith and love for you each and every second. Teetering between grief and sadness is the anger and resentment that I feel. How DARE this man do this to me, to our children, to all our LIVES?! How DARE he put me through this, when I have supported HIM through everything? I get so angry that I could tear my hair out, and rage up at the sky for hours (or at least until my neighbors would tire of it and finally call the police). But…at that point in time, I try to keep Ephesians 4:31 in mind. That verse says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” I feel all of those things- bitter at how my life is turning out, anger that would frighten the hardest of men…I feel it all. But what do those emotions give me in the form of gains? Nothing, really. It stifles me. It stifles my faith in God, and it stifles my husband, and my children. These feelings do nothing for any of us. I need to let them go, and let God do the work in this. I know that He has a plan, and if you are going through the same thing, please know that I love you. Please know that these feelings, this situation…it’s only temporary. While it feels that this life is an eternity, we are only here for a short time. Fill your days with optimism, forgiveness, and most of all, love. Don’t shut yourself off from the rest of the world because you are in pain. There are others out there who love you so much, and see all the beauty within. Let that beauty shine, and I will do the same. We can walk this dark path together, holding hands, and come through on the other side. On the other side is light, and a new life that we will build for ourselves.
In closing, will you pray with me? Here goes…”Heavenly Father, thank you so much for choosing us to be so strong in your perfect light. Father, while things are so sad right now, we know that you truly have a plan for us. We know that you love us more than anyone else, and that you are building better people through these trials and tribulations. Father, please give us happiness, and please help us through these times. You have a plan for each of us, and while we might not currently understand it, you are in charge, and you know what is best. So in the meantime, we will listen quietly, and we will work on being good parents, and all around, just good people. In your Heavenly Name, Amen.”
Dear friends, while it might not feel it right now, I will be happy again. It will take time. WE will be happy again. All things happen for a reason, and it’s up to us to just LISTEN. My Once Upon A Time might be ending, but not completely. I am getting ready to write another exciting chapter in a life that has taken a vastly different turn than I ever expected. If you are going through the same thing, then you are getting ready to do the same. So, let’s sharpen those pencils and get ready to write!