I’m sorry that I haven’t made a post in a while. I have been experiencing the back and forth motion defined as vacillation. According to Merriam-Webster, vacillation is the inability to make a decision. In point-blank terms, that means that I just don’t know how to feel. In one instance, I am strong, and I’m ready to move on. The next moment, I’m close to tears again, and I can’t believe that I love someone who doesn’t love me back. I started out my day feeling okay, and now? Not so much. I am close to tears, and I hate that I find myself in the position of looking at my husband’s back, and thinking to myself, “I still love him. How can that be? When will I get over this? Will I love him forever? Will this pain never end?” For some strange reason, looking at his back is what brings those feelings on. I guess, in my mind, that is what I see when he turns from me- his back. It’s a symbol of him moving on, and feeling better, and I am stuck in this limbo…unable to move on at all.
I’ll be completely honest- even though I am a Christian, and I know that no matter what, God has my back, and he will never turn from me…there are days when I am quite disappointed that I have awakened at all. Each night, I go to bed, and I am just so glad that the day is done. I know that these won’t last forever, but in the moment, it sure feels like it will.
Today’s Bible reading brought up a great point for me to keep in mind while I am in this mode of vacillation- it comes from Job 6:10. “This would be my comfort; I would even exult in pain unsparing, for I have not denied the words of the Holy One.” Job had it a lot rougher than I ever thought possible- his entire family was gone, he had lost all possessions, was sickly…the list is endless. Job felt like his world was ending, and even then, he managed to love God, and be thankful that he was still alive. I aim to stop the vacillation, and be more like Job. It’s important for me to remember, even through tears of pain, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a place where I will be okay, and I will eventually feel loved again, and feel attractive, and feel like the world isn’t on the precipice of ending. It’s just going to take some time. In the meantime, please excuse me. I need to take a moment to compose myself, because above it all, I am still a mom, and I need to give my sweetest, littlest boy a bath.