If you are the parent of a young child, I’m sure that you cringed when you read the title of this post. I apologize for that, but once you read on, you’ll realize that it’s very fitting for today.
No one ever enters into a marriage with the idea that it will someday end. When I said “I do,” I truly thought that it would be until the end of time, and that we were destined to be together. I had visions of growing old next to my husband, and I was so incredibly happy. When my husband first asked for this divorce, I went through a very heavy sad period. Then came the anger. “How could he do this to ME? I’m the mother of two of his children, and gave him fifteen years of my life!” I would look at him, and I would think to myself, “I wish I had never met him. He makes me so sick.” Not very Christian of me, was it? It’s okay, because I agree. I finally managed to get out of that line of thinking after a lot of talking with God. Okay, so this marriage ends. It’s not my choice- I’ve said that a lot in my posts. But, it is happening whether I want it to or not. At this point, I need to let go of everything that he has done wrong, and everything that I have done wrong. We will always be connected. We helped each other through some of the most trying times in our lives. No matter how angry I am at the idea that he has made this decision, I cannot justify the thought “I wish I had never met him.” He taught me a lot about myself, and about life in general, including the mistakes that hurt me so badly. But in the end, those mistakes were good for me. It taught me that really, the only two people that I should be pinning all my hopes on are Jesus and myself. Those two people will always be looking out for my best interests, and will always love me, no matter what. Besides that,if I had never met him, I wouldn’t have two of the most beautiful children that I have ever laid eyes on.
It’s really easy in the heat of a divorce to wear all the anger and the hurt like a comfy robe. But eventually you’ll want to take that robe off, and get dressed and join the real world. In early April, I start a class to become a CNA, or Certified Nursing Assistant. I just want a job that I can immerse myself in, and I just want a way to support myself, and help to support my children. I want my dignity and self-respect back. I allowed those two things to walk out the door when I started feeling sorry for myself. I hate the decisions that my husband has made, but I don’t hate him. I could never hate him. Down deep, he’s trying to do what’s best for him, and I can’t fault that thought. I can fault the resulting action, but not that thought. This whole process hurts me to the very core of my being, but I keep reminding myself that God has a plan. God does have a plan, and it was put into action long before I was even born. I know I’m not privy to the background information regarding this plan, but I do know that through this job, I can help people, and I can serve others. I can touch lives, and make a difference. I can go home at night, and feel good about myself, and my contribution to this community, and to the Body of Christ as a whole. As believers, we must take care of each other. We must hold each other close, and forget about the differences that we have. I might be angry with my husband’s actions and his decisions, but that doesn’t eradicate the fact that I still love him, and I will always be there if he needs me. It will be in a different capacity, but going forward, I won’t have to walk on eggshells all the time, or be in constant worry about when the other proverbial shoe will drop. I am the captain of this great ship called my destiny.