It Was Real


Tonight, I am overtaken by sentimentality.  I am looking back on fifteen years of completely loving a man.  I loved this man with everything within me.  I honestly didn’t look at anyone else and feel any type of longing.  He was, from the moment that I realized I loved him all those years ago, the very one for me.  We just seemed to fit in every single way.  When we first met, he was a trucker for the same company that I worked in customer service for.  I remember when he headed out on the road after we had finally solidified our relationship.  I stood in my driveway, sobbing.  It felt like forever until I would see him again, and my heart seemed to rip from my chest.  I would endure a few of those goodbyes, as my husband later joined the Army, and I was forced to endure saying goodbye quite a bit.  I remember our wedding day- it was the day that he graduated from basic training, and I remember staring into his eyes during our ceremony, and thinking that I was finally being handed everything.  Funny, I was overtaken by emotions on the day that he told me he no longer wanted to be married to me.  I sobbed, and felt that same familiar feeling- my heart being ripped from my chest.

In life, we are forced to say all kinds of goodbyes.  We wish our pets farewell when they pass away, and we bid our loved ones goodbye.  We say goodbye to our hometowns when it’s time to strike out on our own, and we say goodbye to our children when they finally leave our safe little nest.  Each goodbye brings with it a special pain, and it’s also a lesson.  To me, these memories will always be precious.  Each memory,  I will hold close to my chest, and be so grateful that God gave me the chance to love like that, even if I lost it in the end.  I will admit to you that I am writing this through tears.  It’s a bittersweet moment, saying goodbye.  I am so happy that I was capable of loving to that extent, and I am so sad that it will no longer be mine.  But there is one thing that doesn’t change, and that’s the fact that this love did exist, and this love was real.  I can always look at my two beautiful babies, and be reminded that I was given that precious gift.

Even if a relationship is fleeting, we should always be grateful that God gives each and every human the capacity to love.  God gives us the wonderful gift of emotions.  We are able to love with abandon, dislike with abandon, and be sad in the same manner.  Emotions can be troublesome, but when reigned in, they can come in handy.  While I know that my life will never be the same, I can still know that “we loved with a love that was more than love.”  (That’s from Edgar Allan Poe’s Annabelle Lee.)  I cannot guarantee that I will feel that again, but I can guarantee that I will always remember that once upon a time, I did love.  It was real.


4 responses »

  1. Sue, I’m so glad you are writing through this very difficult loss/change in your life. You are going to be (and already are) a strength for so many. My heart hurts for yours, but I also see a beautiful witness in it. When we can bless and honor God in the times we feel ripped apart, wow…what that says to a hurting world! Hope hope hope! Much love to you. This is so beautiful! I’m so glad you share it with us. Blessings!

  2. Thank you, Bonnie. If my pain can be productive, and show other women that even though this hurts, it is indeed a temporary hurt, and it can make us stronger, and more independent. It can give us the time we need to completely focus on God…what an amazing opportunity.

  3. I am here for you, Sue. I hope you can feel my shared tears. Your writing is so beautiful, touching. Be strong sweet Sis. I love you and keep writing.

    • Thanks, Sis! I love you too, and I will never stop writing. It has gotten me through a lot of things in my life, and this is no different.

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