Catch 22

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Catch 22

The dictionary defines the phrase “catch 22” as a “dilemma or difficult situation from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.”  Today, I feel like this holiday, and my current life as I know it…is a living, breathing example of that phrase.  I have been trying to get excited for this holiday, because it will be my last holiday in this house, with this family, and it’s very hard.  I was excited this morning to watch my six year old boy open his basket- the last time that my husband and I will do this together.  After our traditional Sunday breakfast, I cleaned up, got showered and dressed, and then I started making deviled eggs, got the ham in the oven.  I tried to go about my usual holiday preparations, but it just FELT different.  These days, my life is a living, breathing example of a catch 22.  I cannot move on until I get over this divorce.  I cannot get over this divorce until I move out.  I cannot move out until I get a job.  I cannot get a job until I get through this class and get a car.  All of these conditions feel like insurmountable tasks.  I keep telling myself that I am strong, and that I can do this, but I have weak moments.  I’ll be honest- I have a lot of weak moments.

Today is the celebration of when Jesus defeated death and rose from the grave, rising to Heaven to prepare a place for all of us to be as close to God as we can get.  Jesus endured many hardships- He wasn’t rich, had no possessions to speak of, enduring taunting, disbelief, and after his arrest, the most horrible form of pain that one person can possibly endure.  He was strong throughout all of that.  I’m not facing death, and I can assure you that I will not die nailed to a cross.  Why is it that this feels like a mountain that I cannot climb?

There are so many things to be thankful for today, and I have to find a way to push past all this sadness.  I look outside, and I see the most perfect spring day that a person could ask for.  The sky is a beautiful, clear blue, the temperatures are beautiful, and I have my son and my daughter, who have both had a good Easter.  It has been a quiet holiday, and I was able to look at my children, and know that no matter what, I will be able to watch them grow up to be caring, beautiful people.  I held my little man this morning, and even though he doesn’t understand what is to come, all I can think is, “Your world will soon change beyond what you could have imagined it to be.  I am so sorry that this will happen to you.  I am sorry that you live in a fallen world, surrounded by fallen people, and that the two people in your life that you are supposed to count on have let you down in a huge way.  Son, I did not want this.  I did not ask for this, and I wish I could, but I cannot fight it.  Just know that I will be there for you, and I will try to get you through the next months, even though they will be hard for me to navigate.  But together- you, your sister and your mom…we will get through this.  We will all be forever changed, and we will have all lost something that we wanted most in the world- our family.  I am sorry, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”  Those are the words that I really wanted to say, but really- you can’t say that to a six year old.  It’s not practical at this point.

Tomorrow, the rest of my life begins.  I start my much-anticipated Certified Nursing Assistant Class.  Uniform items have been purchased, and all the legwork for the class has been done.  Tomorrow, I sit in the seat, and start putting 110% of myself into learning all that I can, so that I can carve out my own existence in this world.  One that is separate from my husband, and will be separate from him for the rest of our lives.

Today, I will push off the sadness.  I have to remember that Jesus hung on that cross, enduring the cruelest torture ever, and it was for ME.  For MY mistakes, and He did it for the love He had for ME.  No one else has ever given me such a gift.  Lately, I feel as though I don’t deserve that gift, because I have been angry, I have said mean things, thought mean things, and been less than Christian in my thoughts and deeds.  I am truly a sinner.  I confess all my sins to God, and ask that He forgive me, and that He give me the strength to carry on down this road, because my road is not nearly as difficult as the road Jesus traveled with that cross on His back.  I wipe away my tears, knowing that I can carry this load, because Jesus carried His.  Even now, I have to remember that He’s trying to carry me, if I would only let go of all those things holding me back, and just allow Him to carry me.   Going forward, that will be my mantra- I will carry my load, because He carried His.  If there is someone out there that is going through the same thing, please know that this stuff is all temporary.  We can get through this, and come out on the other side a stronger, better person.  While you enjoy your holiday with your family, please hold each and every person close because you just never know when it will all come to an end.  If you are having a hard time with anything, please feel free to quote me if it helps.  Remember, “I can carry my load because He carried His.”  It’s the least that I can do for a man who was willing to die for the likes of someone like me.

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6 responses »

  1. Oh my heart aches for you. It is so hard to hear your pain in your words, but yet I can feel your love for Jesus and I am happy to know you know the truth. For it is only knowing the Love of Jesus that will get your through this time. I am adding you to my list of prayers this week. You name is going up on my marker board right in front of this computer. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing!

    • Thank you, Tasia. I need all the prayers that I can get. This past week has made me appear in the most unseemly of lights. I have been so sarcastic and just unpleasant. I really need to pull myself together, and FAST. I appreciate the prayers.

  2. Sue…Iove these posts. They are a beautiful witness and encouragement but also a reminder to pray for you. You are amazing. One step at a time. Praying for you! I pray you feel the hand of Jesus holding yours so warmly and tightly.

    • Bonnie, I hope He does hold my hand tightly. I need to shore up my attitude. I have to be a good example for my children, and this last week I was NOT.

      • His grace is so fresh, new every morning. I am sure this whole thing tempts you and taunts you from every side. You know your own red flags…which is great. So many people don’t. Give your struggle with your attitude to your Father in Heaven. He will redeem it. He will help you replace anger/sarcasm/frustration with His peace and love. Sometimes it’s an hourly recommitment and yielding on my part. Negative attitudes spiral for me very easily. Hang in there. Tomorrow is fresh. Grace is abundant. God sees you through the finished work of the cross, clean, white as snow, beautiful. That is your identity. The old flesh/man is fading away. It just takes time for us all to slough off the dead layers of old man.

  3. I feel what you are saying here, honestly, I think that my dealings with my ex husband can make me feel the most “unChristlike”. I always think, grrr, I know I am supposed to forgive you, but you keep doing the same stupid stuff over and over and over. It’s a good reminder that as far as God is concerned I myself keep doing the same stupid stuff over and over and over too…Thankfully, He has a much easier time of forgiving when I confess than what I deserve.

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