The dictionary defines the phrase “catch 22” as a “dilemma or difficult situation from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.” Today, I feel like this holiday, and my current life as I know it…is a living, breathing example of that phrase. I have been trying to get excited for this holiday, because it will be my last holiday in this house, with this family, and it’s very hard. I was excited this morning to watch my six year old boy open his basket- the last time that my husband and I will do this together. After our traditional Sunday breakfast, I cleaned up, got showered and dressed, and then I started making deviled eggs, got the ham in the oven. I tried to go about my usual holiday preparations, but it just FELT different. These days, my life is a living, breathing example of a catch 22. I cannot move on until I get over this divorce. I cannot get over this divorce until I move out. I cannot move out until I get a job. I cannot get a job until I get through this class and get a car. All of these conditions feel like insurmountable tasks. I keep telling myself that I am strong, and that I can do this, but I have weak moments. I’ll be honest- I have a lot of weak moments.
Today is the celebration of when Jesus defeated death and rose from the grave, rising to Heaven to prepare a place for all of us to be as close to God as we can get. Jesus endured many hardships- He wasn’t rich, had no possessions to speak of, enduring taunting, disbelief, and after his arrest, the most horrible form of pain that one person can possibly endure. He was strong throughout all of that. I’m not facing death, and I can assure you that I will not die nailed to a cross. Why is it that this feels like a mountain that I cannot climb?
There are so many things to be thankful for today, and I have to find a way to push past all this sadness. I look outside, and I see the most perfect spring day that a person could ask for. The sky is a beautiful, clear blue, the temperatures are beautiful, and I have my son and my daughter, who have both had a good Easter. It has been a quiet holiday, and I was able to look at my children, and know that no matter what, I will be able to watch them grow up to be caring, beautiful people. I held my little man this morning, and even though he doesn’t understand what is to come, all I can think is, “Your world will soon change beyond what you could have imagined it to be. I am so sorry that this will happen to you. I am sorry that you live in a fallen world, surrounded by fallen people, and that the two people in your life that you are supposed to count on have let you down in a huge way. Son, I did not want this. I did not ask for this, and I wish I could, but I cannot fight it. Just know that I will be there for you, and I will try to get you through the next months, even though they will be hard for me to navigate. But together- you, your sister and your mom…we will get through this. We will all be forever changed, and we will have all lost something that we wanted most in the world- our family. I am sorry, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.” Those are the words that I really wanted to say, but really- you can’t say that to a six year old. It’s not practical at this point.
Tomorrow, the rest of my life begins. I start my much-anticipated Certified Nursing Assistant Class. Uniform items have been purchased, and all the legwork for the class has been done. Tomorrow, I sit in the seat, and start putting 110% of myself into learning all that I can, so that I can carve out my own existence in this world. One that is separate from my husband, and will be separate from him for the rest of our lives.
Today, I will push off the sadness. I have to remember that Jesus hung on that cross, enduring the cruelest torture ever, and it was for ME. For MY mistakes, and He did it for the love He had for ME. No one else has ever given me such a gift. Lately, I feel as though I don’t deserve that gift, because I have been angry, I have said mean things, thought mean things, and been less than Christian in my thoughts and deeds. I am truly a sinner. I confess all my sins to God, and ask that He forgive me, and that He give me the strength to carry on down this road, because my road is not nearly as difficult as the road Jesus traveled with that cross on His back. I wipe away my tears, knowing that I can carry this load, because Jesus carried His. Even now, I have to remember that He’s trying to carry me, if I would only let go of all those things holding me back, and just allow Him to carry me. Going forward, that will be my mantra- I will carry my load, because He carried His. If there is someone out there that is going through the same thing, please know that this stuff is all temporary. We can get through this, and come out on the other side a stronger, better person. While you enjoy your holiday with your family, please hold each and every person close because you just never know when it will all come to an end. If you are having a hard time with anything, please feel free to quote me if it helps. Remember, “I can carry my load because He carried His.” It’s the least that I can do for a man who was willing to die for the likes of someone like me.